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Monday, December 27, 2010

Oh boy....or girl??

So I notice I've been feeling out of sorts and just a little "off" so I decide to take a HPT for kicks...well the pics of that joke can be seen on the previous blog entry. I actually had to open a HPT pic gallery for the brand I had, guess I just couldn't believe it. So I took a couple and then sent my DH to Wal-mart for a couple store bought ones. Well the picture of one can be viewed to the right. Oh my!!!

So.....we're pregnant!!!!!!! It's only been 10 days since I took those HPT's and I'm still not sure how to feel. I'm excited but as most of you IF ladies can understand, I'm just a tad nervous and a little scared. You try for so long that when it does happen you're in denial.

March 14th 2011 would've marked exactly 3 years of trying. We were given a 5% chance of conceiving on our own if we were lucky. Keep in mind that we only did the BD once on the day of ovulation, no sex 1 week before and 1 week after. To be honest I was actually not even charting, had kind of given up and was preparing for IVF. I was trying to figure out how I could save enough money that we could do 1 IVF cycle in the beginning months of 2012.

Is this really happening? How am I supposed to feel? I'm still in denial and I feel lost at times. I'm afraid to get too happy and it's helped to tell only our Mother's and siblings so there's not many people asking questions or getting excited. Unfortunately our news was only taken well by 2 people and not so well by 6 people. (Yes, the progesterone is making me a little sensitive.) I guess I'll just have to rely on myself to maintain positive...and my IF ladies of course, I love you all!!

I'm just taking this one day at a time. If this baby decides to stay we still have a long way to go (due date is August 26th 2011). I'd rather just focus on eating healthy and doing the best I can to have a healthy pregnancy. Which means trying to eat and not throw it up immediately :) I really look forward to your continued support and understanding. I put a little prayer out there that this baby decides to stay and that I get relaxed about being pregnant. I thank you endlessly!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Hmmmm, uhhhhh........I might be pregnant.......

You read that right. DH & I are fast approaching 3 years of trying. Please keep in mind that we were only given a 5% chance of conceiving naturally (MFI) and that's if we were lucky. Well.........The past couple of days I've been having a heck of a time staying awake and I'm a person that NEVER gets tired. My breasts hurt so bad that I'm ready to sell them on the black market and I feel like a bloated hot air balloon. Oh, my period is also a couple days late to name a few weird things. I've had preg symptoms many times before so I just blew it off but by yesterday afternoon I could barely stay awake. I don't get tired, I can't even remember the last time I took a nap.

Over a year ago I ordered the OPK and Preg test strips online, I couldn't afford to keep buying the ones at the store. Don't worry, I made sure they hadn't expired before using them today. I did a test strip at around 10am and I actually saw a light pregnancy line show up. HUH????? So I waited a couple hours and took another one, you know how that goes :) Well, the line showed up again except a little darker. Hmm..........

I'm 15 DPO so I pulled up the photo gallery of the same brand of HPT that I use and also on the same DPO. HPTs fit right in and were even darker than some of them.

After trying for a number of years and frequently experiencing false preg symptoms that turned into nothing.......I'm a little baffled right now. I'm waiting for DH to get done working and having him pick me up some fancy EPT's at the store. I'm actually scared to see what they'll say. When you try and pray for so long you just start to believe it'll never happen. Could this wish have been heard? Could we have lucked out in the fertility lottery? Could I be getting the best Xmas present of all time?

I've posted pics of the HPTs a couple hours after taking them. The lines were a little darker right away and my flash really washed out the depth of color but I just wanted to share them. Opinions and thoughts are very welcomed!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Anniversary!!

I huge "happy anniversary" goes out there to my wonderful hubby! We've been together for 7 years, married for 3 years and have been trying for a family all 3 of those married years. My hubby is my world, my best friend and my voice of reason when my sanity takes a vacation :)

So my research continues and I remind myself to stay positive. Tomorrow is Halloween and it's my favorite so I look forward to another fabulous day. I wish everyone the best weekend and endless baby dust!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Light is shed

A HUGE thank you goes out to the wonderful women that commented on my last blog. Just to read your words was like an extended hand in a foggy place. I owe you wonderful women my sanity :)

I'm a different type of women that's able to see both sides of the story. No one is ever 100% right, they may be 99% right but never 100%. Can you tell I was a middle child? haha. I'm always able to see both sides of a story and never cast a negative opinion on either side :)

If only we were told the 1 solution that would result in our own baby, what a dream! Only tears of joy and none of disappointment. Sign me up right? Unfortunately that doesn't happen and that's when we ladies need to feel comfortable enough to turn to each other for support. If you're anything like me you're doing this by yourself with no one to talk to.......until you find the cyber support :)

My hubby offered me some support today. If you've read my blog you've seen how scared I am of feeling baby movement, so scared in fact that I would almost avoid pregnancy because of it. Anywho, I ask my hubby if he thought I could handle it....point blank. He looked at my and said, "Yes, you'll be just fine". Wow! He mentioned some others points of what he thought was the the root of my fears. The others were more emotional for me so I'll leave them silent here on my blog. There's a huge reason why I married my best friend, love ya honey!

I hope I don't lose anyone my obscure thought process. I asked my hubby what he thought and he said he'd at least like the chance to do his part in the IF process. For example, at least trying 1 round of IVF. I'm scared beyond belief but I put my life in my hubby's hands. He's like that solid piece of sanity when I hit my crazies :)

Anywho, as long as I can hold strong I'll be looking at doing a round of IVF in the very beginning of 2012. Thank goodness for tax returns!! Don't ya just hate having to make decisions due to money, grrrrrrr.

However my questions still stands...............what does it feel like to have your own baby move inside you?????? A fellow blogger has been my grip on sanity and I thank you dearly, you know who you are.

I thank everyone for all of the comments, I've never felt so secure and supported. You ladies are the greatest and I hope that you can continue to help and support me through my future ventures. I know I'll always adopt at least one child. So all you adopters out there please keep me in your thoughts! I send a silent kiss out there this evening to my future children, I love you dearly and can't wait to hold you in my arms.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

To Adopt

Well I've decided to look into adoption. Threw my entire life I've known I would adopt at some point. If I had biological kids of my own or not I knew I'd adopt as well. I've been researching on and off for several years but I find most adoption info confusing and scary. I also don't know how the heck I'd be able to afford it. Why is it so hard to become a parent?!?

All we're trying to do is offer our love and forever home to an infant in need, you'd think people would take advantage of that offer. Frustration seems to be my mood today, sorry everyone. Sometimes it just feels like my dream will never happen. No more road blocks! Now, enough of my cruddy mood :)

I'd love to hear from parents that have recently adopted. I've researched many facilities/agencies but I really don't know what I should be looking for first. Any advice/guidance is VERY welcomed and appreciated!!
Maybe this is going to be my wonderful start to my family........

Monday, October 25, 2010

Back after a fertility break

I will apologize again for being MIA, so many things have happened. I had to take a break or I was going to break down. I know my IF ladies will understand that feeling :)

We had our 3rd SA done in June. Our results for this 3rd one were definitely the best results and gave me hope until my RE's office talked with me about our options. It took my RE's office a couple weeks to get the results to me and then it took them almost 2 months to get back to me about the questions I had. At that point I lost most of my hope and I've almost given up on the whole idea of starting a family. It just doesn't feel like getting pregnant is even an option for us.

Here is what the 3rd SA was:
63 mil, 76% motility & 3% morphology.
With each SA the results went up significantly, so significantly in fact that I thought we'd be able to conceive on our own.
Chances are:
12-15% with Clomid and IUI
15-20% with injectables and IUI
60% with IVF....of course
and only 5% with timed, natural intercourse.

I’m open to insight from my fellow IF’ers. I thought the results looked good but you know how they like to push IVF. I’m not against IVF but I won’t be able to afford it for a couple years.

By a strange coincidence a got in touch with a women who is highly involved in IF matters and she was nice enough to offer support and suggest a clinic close to me that she's worked with. Phew!! It's a clinic I found helpful stats on while researching IF. When we're ready I think we'll probably be going to this clinic. The RE I have right now just wants my money and treats me like crap, I just can't trust people like that with my future.

Interesting questions for all the Moms out there........What does it feel like when the baby moves inside you? I want an actual description of what it feels like physically. I know I sound crazy but I've never had a pregnancy that went to the "feel the movement" stage and I think I'm a little scared to feel it?? Feel free to share your thoughts on this Moms, I totally appreciate it!!

Well I've got more cleaning to get to but I really appreciate everyone reading my blog and staying with me during my "crazies". Happy Monday to all!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Answers take time

I apologize for being MIA for a while. I hit a very frustrated point and my attitude was not one I wanted to share. So I ended up reading everyone's blogs instead of writing in my own.

I can honestly say that I have no idea what my next step will be. I've been told DH & I have a few options but no one will say how successful they could be. It just seems like doctors won't be happy until I'm doing IVF with them, that doesn't sit well with me. I know I've come up with some plans here and there but they always change, such is life :)
DH is going to have his 3rd SA done towards the end of June, all prescriptions will be out of his system and this will be the most accurate SA. I'm going to have them wash and prepare it as they would for a IUI, this way I can at least know what count we'd be looking at for an IUI. If that count is too low then I'll skip IUI all together and save myself money and tears. Then I can just prepare myself for IVF.
I always feel like a crazy lady and that's so untypical of me. IF turns you into a crazy person!! haha. If someone could just tell me what I HAD to do then at least I'd have a little light as I walk down this uncharted path. I don't know anyone, outside of the blog sphere, that has had IF problems past having to take a cycle of Clomid. At times that's why I get a little crazy, it'd be helpful to talk with others that feel the same way I do.
I apologize for my attitude and I thank you for letting me vent :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Show me the answers

A) I'll skip medicated cycles-They'll cost me $1000 each since I need to be monitored by u/s while on meds. I really didn't like what clomid did to me anyways. Doing an IUI is only a little bit more money, just doesn't make sense to my logical brain.

B) Have 3rd SA done around the end of June, maybe we'll be able to bump up the morph...

C) (If morph isn't up to normal) Try 3 injectable IUI's between July and the beginning of 2011

D) If those fail, trouble shoot doing IVF and financing it at some point in 2011. If we push it to the beginning of 2012 I feel that we would be running out of time to conceive more than 1 baby.

Phew, it feels good to get that off my chest and out of my brain! I think one of the hard parts is that we need to plan this around snow storms. I couldn't see doing a cycle of IVF and not being able to make an appt because I'm snowed in, I would get super ticked!
I've been very frustrated lately and it's just hard to have a logical plan when it comes to IF. Trying to do the right thing and not go bankrupt, that sounds horrible but it's the truth.

So far we can only find morph as a problem with all of our tests. For people who are dealing with MFI, is your DH on an anti-depressant? In doing my research I found that many anti-depressants can cause ED related problems and affect all aspects of sperm quality. Here is a quote from my research about ED related problems:
"Since the 1980's, doctors have known that anorgasmia can be a side effect of certain anti-depressants. Sometimes they even prescribe them for guys who false-start. Seems the drugs gum up the serotonin cycle in the brain, which also happens to play a big role in climax".

If you like to learn more just google the word "anorgasmia" or info on anti-depressants and their affect on sperm quality. For some reason I found more info on the affect it had on morph. Through all my research and all the specialty doctors I've seen/talked with, no one has ever told me about anti-depressants affect on sperm or ED. It stuck me kind of funny that DH just happens to be on an anti-depressant, hmmm.......... DH is now off of it. It may not make a huge difference but every little bit helps when you're at this point :) Fingers crossed it makes some sort of difference.

This evening I'm going to be by myself, have a nice little bonfire and a margarita. I've been emotionally frustrated and I just need to kick back, maybe have a little cry and just enjoy the moment. A huge thanks to all the wonderful ladies out there that take the time to read my blog and offer support!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What's next appt....

Dh and I made it to our "what's next" appt today. Does anybody else walk out of there feeling kind of foggy in the brain? I'm upfront, I ask questions and take notes but I always walk out of there feeling unfulfilled......maybe it's just me.

Anyways, all my tests came back great and DH's SA came back better than his first one. The only concern is his morph, 2% down from 4% on his first SA. However his motility was up from 36% to 71% and count went from 7ml to 24ml. Yahoo!!

However we actually have options!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We walked into our first RE appt with the only option of IVF and I'd prefer ICSI with it. Today I walked out with the option to do IUI's, maybe that's why my brain seemed so foggy :) Don't get me wrong, I'm a realist and I so don't get carried away.

This is the plan I came up with and my RE gave us the "OK". DH and I will just bd on our own, no meds, for a couple cycles. This will be the first time bd'ing with his newly normal count, he's a whole new man :) Our chances are better than I thought, like 20%+, so it's worth a shot to relax and have a little fun. In June DH will have 3rd SA, at this point Androgel will be completly out of his system and we'll get our most accurate results, hoping morph will go up since that's the only one we're low on. If nothing happens we'll progress to bd'ing with Clomid or Femara and a trigger shot for probably 3 cycles. Then we would progress to IUI's, my RE will only allow us to do 3 before moving onto IVF. I'm kicking around the idea of doing injectables with our IUI's, I think this may prep me for IVF and it significantly raises our odds with the IUI's.

So this is what my logical brain came up with right away and I kind of like the plan. I like being given a chance to try on our own for a little bit and gives DH enough time to process this info and raise questions if he's concerned about something, we work great as a problem solving team :) We've been ttc for 2 years but he's been on Androgel for all of those 2 years and we found out Androgel has a strong affect on my DH and drastically lowered his count. So I think it's only logical that we give his little swimmers a chance :)

We had planned to start IVF the beginning of next year, that way we could use tax returns to help fund the expensive IVF. That also gives me time to research, learn and grow into the idea of IVF. We may luck out and concieve without IVF but I have a feeling we will be turning to it at some point.

But tomorrow I will sit down with my calendar and get a better idea of what months we're doing which plan. You can't plan everything but I can try my hardest at cutting down the stress before it sneaks up on me :)

As I said I'm a realistic person, as long as I have a plan I can tackle anything. That plan doesn't need to be concrete, just something that I can put in my brain so I don't over think everything. I would like to put in that I'm deathly afraid of needles so I think doing my plan will work in slowly getting me used to injectables, can't say I'm excited about it :)

PS. I did get my period minutes before I walked out the door to my RE appt. The Clomid definitely threw off my body's schedule. My ovulation couldn't be pinpointed since my temps where everywhere the whole cycle, then my period was days late and I'm always on schedule. I also felt just really weird for at least a week before my period. I think I may be trying Femara with our first round of meds while bd'ing, may as well try it before I do any procedures with it. I'm also curious since my RE told me the side effects were less than the Clomid but it wasn't as productive, I guess we'll find out soon enough.
A huge thank you to all the wonderful women that have left me comments, don't know what I'd do without you!
PPS. I apologize for the length of this post, oops. But I did order the Ovacue monitor today so I'm very excited for it to arrive.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Not a "normal" woman

Alright, I may as well tell you now that nothing "normal" ever happens to me. It can be very frustrating at times, especially when it comes to pg symptoms. Let me share the details so you're all informed. I took 100mg Clomid days 5-9 of my cycle and now I'm on day 31 without my period, AF usually comes between day 25-28 for me. Normally I wouldn't think twice but I've also had all these symptoms for a week:
Very tender breasts/size and nipple color, CM, fainting,dizziness, fatigue, nauseous, cramps, feminine itch, so much gas that my dogs are doubting me, intense hunger spells, constipation, backache and many others I can't remember. (I apologize for TMI, it's just easier when I can spell out the symptoms I can remember). I never faint but yesterday (Mother's Day) I almost fainted a couple times while at a plant nursery with Mom. Man did I get ticked, I don't do well when I don't have a reason for feeling like poop.
A normal women would easily be pg......not me! Instead I'll just get all these symptoms and nothing will happen, it just gets a little frustrating. If I'm going to feel this crappy I'd rather be pg so I can quit nodding off on the couch with ice packs on my breasts for no reason. HPT was BFN this morning, FYI.

I did do some online research and I found that other women did get their periods late when taking Clomid and some also had pg symptoms. I can't say if I'm happy with that or not.
However we do go to our RE tomorrow so if I still don't have my period maybe they'll want to do a blood test. I know it'll come back negative as usual but it might make me feel better?? But I'm still looking forward to finding out what our next step is now that we've done all the tests they needed done. I'm going to do some research on Femara, maybe that will work better for me than the Clomid did.
If anyone has good advise my ears are open :) But I'm very excited to blog tomorrow after we go to our RE, I could use some good news right now.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The wait....

It's been a while since I last posted, too much time to think :)

Last month I had to take Clomid for a test called "Clomid Challenge". I felt fabulous during the 5 days that I took it but now the week before my period I feel just weird. My anxiety is through the roof and just feel 'not myself'. So now I'm actually hoping for my period so my progesterone kicks in and out does this feeling.
I'd also like to add that while charting on Clomid, I couldn't see when I ovulated until after I already had. My temps were all over the place and symptoms were everywhere so pin pointing ovulation wasn't an option. When I had researched Clomid it had said it would help ovulation but it hid mine, weird. I only get a positive OPK every 3rd month so I had hoped Clomid would help that situation. However I do have a thermal shift every month. Ovulation is my nemsis right now, haha.

DH and I have our "what's next" RE appointment this upcoming Tuesday. I'm just so curious about what our next steps are! After finding out DH's count went from 7ml to 24ml........that's just messed up my whole thought process, in a good way of course :) IVF was our only way of conceiving and now I'm curious if we can change that way of thinking due to our newest results?? I guess I'll know in a couple days.

So if I can pass on some advice today its...............take your DH off of Androgel while you're trying to conceive. The doctor that put DH on it said it would make 99% of his semen not swim. Then we switched doctors and the new one said it wouldn't make too much of a difference on his swimmers. I asked many other health providers and none could give me an accurate answer. I'd like to say that it makes a huge difference!! If we get pregnant now, on our own, it makes the difference between having IVF or not. That's just about us of course so do a lot of research when it comes to meds for low testosterone.

On another note I did find out that I'm allergic to grains. They think that's what packed 75lbs on me in less than 4 months and could be incharge of a bit of my anxiety. So I've cut grains out of my diet and I'm eating only gluten free foods. It's amazing how many things have grain in them!! But I'll try this for a month and see if I notice a difference.
I'd also like to say a huge thank-you to all the wonderful women who have been commenting and following my blog. You ladies are wonderful and your support is appreciated more than I can say. You're the best!

I apologize for not being myself, maybe next time I blog I'll be me :)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A wonderful surprise

I decided I couldn't wait the 2 weeks until our "whats next" appt so I called my RE to get DH's SA results. A month or two ago it was 7ml. Now I've got him on Tribulus and he's been off of Androgel for 2 weeks. Well his count is all the way up to 24ml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you see how excited I am? hehe
This does bring a very welcomed ray of sunshine onto our journey. Now I don't know where we will begin but at the moment I could care less because we've accomplished the impossible......raised a sperm count!!! So bring it on ovulation, I dare you :)
However I'm at day 18 and haven't ovulated yet. I did take a round of Clomid this month for a test my RE wanted done. Through my research I did find out that many women do ovulate later with Clomid. I usually ovulate between days 13-16 so it'll be interesting to see what happens this month.
I'm just in a nice place now with our wonderful news. I'll relish this for a while.

Monday, April 26, 2010

The beginning

This is my first attempt blogging so I'm nervous and naive in the way of blogs :) With the support of fellow blogger rkenen I was able to figure out how/where to start. So I begin my blog with the intention of stress release and the hope of gaining support....I throw my self into blogsphere :)
DH and I have been ttc for 2 years. About 5 months ago we finally decided to seek professional help. After many tests we found out we were dealing with a low sperm count, MFI. I felt a bit helpless after that. If it had been a problem with me I would have researched the heck out of it, tackled it, put a bow on it and ended the problem :) But to hear it was my DH's little swimmers, well that just threw me for a loop. It's hard to deal with a problem that isn't in someone else's body.
DH went to my acupuncturist and started taking a supplement called Tribulus. We were able to bring his testosterone up to the Normal level, first time it's ever been that high. He just recently has a 2nd SA so I'm very excited to hear if there are any improvements.
Out "whats next" RE appt is May 11th, feels like years away. At our first appt, March 29th, we were told that IVF would probably be our only option. That was one of the few times I've been struck speechless. I don't know anyone that's ever been through IVF so I thought it was just a futuristic procedure that no one ever does, I was very wrong.
However, this whole experience has created a tighter bond between us. As crappy as the situation is, I know that this will make us value our future even more. When our baby does finally show up, we'll be about as a prepared as parents can be :)
Thanks to everyone that let me spout my feelings. I know this wasn't a great first blog but my DH is out of town for the whole week and I miss him already :)